****
As a child I was obsessed with NOT stepping on cracks
“Step on a crack, break your mother’s back”
rang in my ears.
Decades later I came to understand that my compulsion
was just that;
I had OCD born of trauma.
I needed something that I could control,
anything.
I had countless rituals that grew out of my need to feel in control.
Cracks were one that linger to this day.
Your past haunts
if you let it.
****************
Alcohol kills.
It kills and it kills and it continues to kill
and we walk around the death and the ruin
on
tip toe.
I started the blog almost a year ago.
My mother was living with Wernicke – Korsakoff
Alcoholics dementia
and I was living it with her.
If you can call what that was
living.
Caring for anyone with dementia is difficult at best;
caring for a woman who abused you as a child
who was a life long alcoholic living with dementia caused by all the booze;
is too much to ask of anyone.
I began this blog as a way to connect with others who are caretakers,
other who live with and have loved alcoholics.
I began this to let people know how Wernicke – Korsakoff presents
and how little can be done to stop it.
My mother died on November 30th, 2012.
My mother’s death was not painless or pleasant
and neither was her life.
I was present for both: her life and her death
and I am walking with both every day of my life.
Alcohol Kills and I have borne witness to the waste.
I miss Daddy.
I miss that I do not miss Mommy.
I carry guilt and pain and regret and resentment
but not everyday or every moment.
In most moments I carry Love and Peace and Contentment.
In most moments I carry Compassion and Gratitude.
I am back. I will finish this story:
The story of my life with my mother
a life long alcoholic
a woman ravaged by alcoholism and the dementia that comes with it.
I have posted links to a few posts that are the framework
of the story.
My mother’s story
and
mine.
Alcohol Kills.
You can take that to the bank.
Peace, Jen
*********
Before I tell you how to build a coffin…
“Wood is so Warm and Alive as Though it has a Soul”
I Have Been Places I Pray You Never Go
Tribal Drums Sound and the Healing Begins
100 Fucking Percent Forgiveness